I never wanted to be a mother. I was happy when the docs told me I had fertility problems.

And then, 2 years latter, I discover that I'm pregnant. I wanted an abortion so badly, but my family told me they'd never speak to me again if I had it done. My husband didn't help either, even though when we had talked about it before he was fine with it. He wanted a baby... yeah, because he doesn't have to do shit for it. I haven't had 8 hours sleep in 5 months. My tits are bruised, and my body is thrashed, and I've had to drop out of college, right when I had gotten shit back on track. All because I didn't take care of the problem myself, without consulting anyone else.

I should have never told anyone.

Now I have a son, and when I look at him, I regret not having an abortion. I regret not killing him. I fake being a good mom, and everyone buys it. They're all so stupid, even my husband, the man I thought could see past my bullshit. When I'm alone with the baby though, I can't smile. I can barely look at him. I make sure he's changed, bathed, fed and entertained, but I can't bring myself to love him. I hate myself for not loving my son.

Name kept secret
Location kept secret

Tags: mother sad fertility pregnant abortion son bullshit love sad secret story